Woman Escapes Coercive Control After Discovering Digital Abuse

Amanda, not her real name, discovered her husband’s long-term coercive control through an unsettling revelation: he had been accessing her social media accounts without her knowledge. This discovery marked a turning point in her life, leading her to escape an abusive relationship that was exacerbated by technology-facilitated abuse.

While initially her husband appeared to be a caring partner, Amanda soon found that his behavior took a darker turn after they married. She described a gradual escalation of coercive control that left her feeling mentally unstable and isolated. “When we married, that’s when things started to get worse,” she shared in a recent interview. “There was a lot of coercive control, a lot of making me feel like I was going crazy.”

The emotional toll was profound. Amanda experienced multiple hospital admissions due to the stress and anxiety inflicted by her husband’s manipulation. “He was always saying I was crazy, that I needed help,” she recalled. Yet, when she sought assistance, he would react with anger. Over the years, Amanda’s self-esteem plummeted, leading her to believe she could not survive without him.

The awakening came when she began reviewing her social media settings. She discovered that her husband had accessed her accounts from her personal laptop and his mobile phone. “I was cut off from most of my family and friends, so social media was really my only outlet,” she explained. “He was reading what my family and I had been talking about in our group chat and then using the information against me.”

Amanda felt a mix of emotions upon learning the truth. “I felt very alone, but there was almost like a relief as well, that I was doing the right thing by leaving him.” Her husband’s digital surveillance was just one aspect of a much larger pattern of abuse, which included taking compromising photos of her without consent and sharing them with friends.

This type of technology-facilitated abuse is not uncommon. Research indicates that such practices are increasingly being used to perpetrate violence against women. According to a campaign by UN Women, which runs from November 25 to December 10, 2023, the theme is “End digital violence against all women and girls.” The campaign aims to raise awareness of the alarming rise in digital abuse, which encompasses practices like cyberstalking, image-based abuse, and the use of AI-generated deepfakes.

Amanda’s story highlights the insidious nature of coercive control, especially when amplified by technology. “Abusers will use whatever resources they have to reach you and control you,” she stated. “He got so blatant with abuse. He was deadset OK with trying to humiliate me.”

The final straw for Amanda came when she learned that her husband was making derogatory remarks about her to their daughter. This realization catalyzed her decision to leave the relationship. “You just get to the point of knowing, ‘I actually deserve better than this,’” she said. “I have to get out and show my daughter what a healthy relationship is and how to build boundaries.”

After leaving her husband, Amanda faced a grieving process, initially believing she would be alone forever. “Of course, that wasn’t the case; I have a beautiful partner now,” she reflected. She emphasizes the importance of understanding technology’s potential for harm.

“If I’d known more about tech abuse and how perpetrators use it to control, I would have updated my passwords,” she noted. “We need to recognize that technology can be used for harm and to protect ourselves.”

Her experience serves as a reminder to others in similar situations that help and a better life are possible. Amanda is now actively involved with Advocates for Change, working to raise awareness about the dangers of digital abuse and to provide support to other victims. “I wish people in these situations could get just a glimpse of how life can be,” she said, emphasizing the hope that exists for those trapped in abusive relationships.