Migrant Women Seek Love Elsewhere as Kiwi Dating Disappoints

New Zealand’s reputation for stunning landscapes and a relaxed lifestyle is being overshadowed by a growing concern among migrant women regarding the local dating scene. After years of challenging experiences, some are choosing to leave the country in search of more fulfilling romantic connections.

Disappointment in Dating

A report by Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff highlights the struggles faced by women like Ashlei Tabor, who moved from the United States five years ago. While Tabor found the slower pace and beautiful scenery appealing, she experienced “romantic disappointment,” prompting her to relocate to Sydney. In her mid-30s, Tabor describes dating in New Zealand as akin to “junior high dating,” where social interactions often feel stagnant and immature.

Tabor expressed frustration over a lack of accountability among peers, noting that few individuals were willing to challenge unacceptable behavior. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” she said, suggesting that New Zealand’s laid-back culture may contribute to emotional passivity. She contrasted her experiences with those in the United States, where she found men to be more engaged and intentional in their dating approaches. “In the States, guys actually planned things; they’d book tickets, cook dinner, make an effort,” she added.

After a year of using dating apps without success, Tabor feels disheartened, stating that she hasn’t met anyone she genuinely wanted to date.

Frustrations Shared by Others

Similarly, Katy Phillips, a 34-year-old from the UK, is preparing to return to London after nine years in New Zealand. She has cited “dating fatigue” as a primary reason for her decision. Phillips describes the dating atmosphere as insular and passive, saying, “If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible. People don’t approach you in bars.” She has found Kiwi men to be gentle and humble but believes they are often emotionally closed off.

“They don’t know what they want,” Phillips remarked, comparing them unfavorably to British men, who she says are generally clearer about their feelings. Her experiences in two long-term relationships left her feeling that emotional reciprocity was lacking. “I want emotional maturity. Someone self-aware. That’s been really hard to find,” she explained.

For many migrants, navigating the dating landscape in New Zealand can be particularly challenging. Phillips noted that in larger cities abroad, people tend to be more direct and less inclined to waste time. She hopes that London’s greater diversity and openness will yield better opportunities for authentic connections, stating, “I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just better odds.”

Yet, some argue that the challenges faced in New Zealand are reflective of broader trends in modern dating. Sophia Christina, a 35-year-old Aucklander who previously lived in London, recognized similar patterns of endless swiping and shallow interactions. “I don’t think people take dating seriously anywhere,” she asserted. Christina noted that individuals often chase fleeting highs, avoiding commitment in the belief that a better option is just one swipe away.

After returning to New Zealand, Christina sought the help of a matchmaker, an experience that transformed her perspective on dating. Knowing both parties were looking for genuine commitment made the process feel more intentional rather than transactional. Inspired by her experience, she founded her own matchmaking service, Shortlist, to assist others in navigating the chaotic world of dating apps. “Genuine connections are possible anywhere,” she stated. “But you have to cut the noise and focus.”

Insights from Experts

According to Kirsty Ross, a professor and senior clinical psychologist at Massey University, successful relationships require effort, courage, and clarity—qualities that are often undermined by the culture surrounding dating apps. “We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes and just know, but real relationships take work,” she noted. Ross emphasized the importance of self-awareness, stating, “You can’t build anything authentic unless you know your values and expectations.”

For individuals feeling trapped in repetitive dating patterns, Ross recommends reflection as a crucial step. “It’s not about blame; it’s about understanding what you’re bringing to the dynamic and how you can change it,” she advised.

As more women reassess their dating experiences in New Zealand, the quest for connection appears to be a complex interplay of environmental factors and personal understanding. While the country’s picturesque landscapes attract many, the challenges of finding meaningful relationships are prompting some to consider options elsewhere.