Migrant Women Seek Love Elsewhere as Kiwi Dating Disappoints

The quest for love in New Zealand is leading some migrant women to seek opportunities elsewhere, citing frustrations with the local dating culture. Reports indicate that after years of trying to establish meaningful relationships, many are reconsidering their options and planning to relocate. According to a report by Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff, women like Ashlei Tabor, who moved from the United States five years ago, are now preparing to leave New Zealand for cities that might offer better romantic prospects.

Tabor, now in her mid-30s, describes her experience in the country as one filled with “romantic disappointment.” While she appreciates the slower pace and breathtaking landscapes of New Zealand, she feels the dating scene lacks maturity. “People never develop proper social skills because they grow up and stay in the same friend circles their whole lives,” she explained. This stagnation, she argues, contributes to a culture where emotional passivity prevails.

Reflecting on her past relationships, Tabor noted a significant incident where her partner cheated. What shocked her most was the reluctance of those around her to confront the issue. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” she said. She contrasts this experience with men she dated in the United States, who she believes were more engaged and intentional. “In the States, guys actually planned things; they’d book tickets, cook dinner, make an effort,” she remarked.

Another migrant, Katy Phillips, 34, who has spent nine years in New Zealand, shares similar sentiments. As she prepares to return to London next month, she cites “dating fatigue” as a key reason for her departure. Phillips characterises the local dating scene as insular and passive, stating, “If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible. People don’t approach you in bars. It’s a small country and everyone knows everyone.”

While she finds Kiwi men gentle and humble, she also believes they are emotionally closed off. “They don’t know what they want. British men might be awkward, but they’re clearer about their feelings,” Phillips noted. Her experience in two long-term relationships in New Zealand left her yearning for emotional maturity and self-awareness in partners. “That’s been really hard to find,” she lamented.

For many migrants, the dating climate in New Zealand seems particularly challenging. Phillips points out that in larger cities abroad, people tend to be more direct and less inclined to waste time. “I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just better odds,” she said, hoping that London’s diversity will provide more opportunities for connection.

Not everyone attributes the challenges to New Zealand’s culture. Sophia Christina, 35, who has lived in London, observes that similar patterns exist globally, including endless swiping and a fear of commitment. “I don’t think people take dating seriously anywhere,” she commented. After returning to New Zealand, she sought the help of a matchmaker, a decision that significantly changed her outlook on dating.

Christina believes that knowing both individuals are seeking genuine commitment transforms the experience into something intentional rather than transactional. Inspired by this shift, she founded her own matchmaking service, Shortlist, to help others navigate the complexities of modern dating. “Genuine connections are possible anywhere,” she stated, emphasizing the need to “cut the noise and focus.”

Insights from Kirsty Ross, a professor at Massey University and senior clinical psychologist, reinforce the notion that successful relationships require effort and clarity. “We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes and just know, but real relationships take work,” she explains. Ross underscores the importance of self-awareness in building authentic connections. “You can’t build anything authentic unless you know your values and expectations.”

For those feeling trapped in repetitive dating patterns, she advocates for reflection rather than blame. “It’s about understanding what you’re bringing to the dynamic and how you can change it,” she advised.

As more women reassess their dating experiences in New Zealand, a clear message emerges: the search for connection involves both understanding one’s self and evaluating the environment in which love might flourish. While New Zealand boasts stunning scenery, the dating landscape appears to be a source of discontent for some.