New Zealand’s Dating Scene: Migrants Seek Love Elsewhere

The dating landscape in New Zealand is prompting some migrant women to reconsider their future in the country. After grappling with what they describe as a lack of meaningful connections, individuals like Ashlei Tabor and Katy Phillips are planning to relocate in search of more fulfilling romantic experiences. A report by Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff highlights the frustrations shared by these women who feel that the local dating culture fails to meet their expectations.

Arriving from the United States five years ago, Tabor has been struck by the contrast between New Zealand’s idyllic scenery and its stagnant dating scene. Now in her mid-30s, she is preparing to move to Sydney after enduring what she calls years of “romantic disappointment.” Tabor likens the local dating culture to “junior high dating,” attributing the issue to a lack of social skill development as people often remain within the same friend circles throughout their lives.

Her experience has been marked by a relationship that ended due to infidelity, but she was equally troubled by the minimal response from those around her. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” she remarked. Tabor believes that the country’s famously relaxed culture sometimes fosters emotional passivity. She contrasts this with her experiences in the United States, where she found men to be more intentional and engaged in the dating process.

Similarly, Katy Phillips, 34, who moved from the UK, echoes Tabor’s sentiments. After nine years in New Zealand, she is set to return to London next month, citing “dating fatigue.” Phillips describes the local scene as insular and passive, stating, “If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible.” She notes that social interactions in bars are rare, and relationships can feel superficial.

While Phillips appreciates the gentle nature of Kiwi men, she finds them emotionally closed off. “They don’t know what they want. British men might be awkward, but they’re clearer about their feelings,” she observed. Her long-term relationships in New Zealand lacked reciprocity, and she longs for emotional maturity and self-awareness in a partner.

Some argue that the challenges faced by Tabor and Phillips are reflective of broader trends in modern dating rather than unique to New Zealand. Sophia Christina, 35, who has lived in both Auckland and London, shares a similar experience with the dating culture. She notes that contemporary dating often involves endless swiping, shallow interactions, and a fear of commitment. “I don’t think people take dating seriously anywhere,” Christina stated.

Upon returning to New Zealand, Christina sought the assistance of a matchmaker, which transformed her approach to dating. Realising both parties were interested in genuine commitment made the process feel more deliberate. Inspired by her experience, she launched her own matchmaking service, Shortlist, aimed at helping others find meaningful connections without the chaos of dating apps. “Genuine connections are possible anywhere,” she said, emphasising the need to cut through distractions.

Experts suggest that the challenges within New Zealand’s dating scene may be indicative of larger societal trends. Kirsty Ross, a professor and senior clinical psychologist at Massey University, asserts that successful relationships require effort, courage, and clarity—qualities that app culture may not always encourage. “We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes and just know, but real relationships take work,” she explained. Ross highlights the importance of self-awareness, stating, “You can’t build anything authentic unless you know your values and expectations.”

As more women reassess their dating lives in New Zealand, the search for connection becomes intertwined with understanding oneself and determining where love can flourish. The experiences of Tabor, Phillips, and Christina reflect a poignant truth: while New Zealand offers breathtaking landscapes, the quest for genuine romantic connection remains a complex and often challenging journey.